I’m posting under an alias, not my regular account to remain anonymous (please do not look me up). I guess I’m ashamed that this happened to me… Just a disclaimer – I am writing mostly to vent, but maybe I find an advice or maybe this message will help someone…

Ok, so here is the deal. I am married, very much love my wife and believe she loves me as well. We know each other for 6+ years and are together for the most of the time. We always had a really good relationship – I never ever thought about cheating on her and never had a reason not to trust her 100%. And when I say I love her, I really mean it – I married her even though my parents shunned me for it (purely based on prejudice – they had no reason not to like her), I changed many of my habits to make her happier (and so did she) and we never had a fight that lasted more than 20 minutes, even thought we both are very strong-tempered people. We were happy and were enjoying each other.

This year I had to move for work, and my wife could not follow me immediately, so we spent about two months apart. She moved in with me, but little things changed – she was still the same with me, but she stopped doing a lot of nice little things she used to do, such as occasionally baking cookies or cooking something fancy, buying me small gifts or making up little songs about me (she used to do that before). She also stopped caring about our home – we moved to a bigger place, but she did not care to buy something new to make it look less empty. I mean I am not expecting my wife to buy furniture alone, but she never mentioned it to me, never planned a household shopping weekend or something like that. I thought it was because of the move, because she was busy trying to get settled, looking for a job, etc. But it never got better. It was only slowly getting worse and worse. There was no conflict between us or anything like that, and she still seemed loving and caring, but it almost seemed that when she sees me she reacts, and when she forgets about me and the family.

We also started looking for new friends in the new place and found some people, mostly guys, who were involved in the same sport as we were. Nice company, nice everything… I had to work a lot and could not spend too much time out with them, but I did not want to cage my wife at home either, so she ended up going out without me. Anyway, these were not parties or dates but like group meets, so I did not worry. Once she told me that one of the guys boasted to other guys that he can get her to cheat on me – she said she did not want to tell me fearing that I will not let her see the team again, but decided to tell since we had no secrets and he really has no chance. I was a bit pissed at the guy, but not much (not getting laid for too long really can really mess some guys up) and I was not really worried – after all, I trust my wife. So I was like, ok, do not expect me to be nice to him, but otherwise this is not changing anything. I am pretty sure she never talked to that guy again (so that’s not him I’m talking about). So we had this nice family with full trust and love.

One day she asks me to fix her computer, so I was fixing it and found some viruses that were hiding in the Web browser history folder. I went there to do some stuff manually and saw that she was using a free mail service like 20+ times a day. I knew she opened that account just to communicate with one friend who was not really important to her and did not use it for anything else, so I got curious. I looked more at the history and saw that she always made sure to log out of the mailbox, not just close the browser window. I got suspicious and decided to log in to the mailbox, but found out that she did not have the password auto-filled, which was really strange and untypical. I logged in to the mailbox anyway (do not ask) and saw that it was CLEAN – inbox, sent items, trash can – all empty, everything meticulously deleted. I did not know what to think, so I started looking everywhere else on the computer. Everything else was erased. Message history in all 3 IMs was turned off etc. I turned the history back on and decided to check her email periodically.

And here is what I found – she was exchanging emails with another guy from the team – a one that we both knew pretty well. The content of emails was not incriminating in anything, but the frequency was staggering – they emailed each other even before going to work and late at night before going to bed. They also used chat, but not as much. As I said, nothing really incriminating except he called her pet names (my inspiration, gorgeous, cutie-pie etc). Well, she really is gorgeous, and most people call her sweetie or honey, but not 20 times a day, each time differently and they are not single males…

I started searching more – I looked at her phone records and found that they spoke on the phone almost every day, up to 7 times a day… That 7 times day was when I was away on a business trip and she did not call me once in the 6 days I was away (I was calling her once a day, but she never did!) Also, I saw that one day when she had to stay on a meeting really late with her phone off, after the meeting was over she called him first and only then called me. Yes, she came home to me every day, and spent way more time with me than with him anyway, but for God’s sake we are together for 6 years, I am her husband, and we were planning to have a first kid next fall – I should not even think about competing for her time with other guys…

She found out I was “spying” on her. She did not get angry about it – she was just surprised I did not trust her. We started talking – I asked if hiding something from me so thoroughly was right – she said no, if I gave her any reason to do that – no, if she thought that it was ok for someone to call a wife of a guy he knows 5+ times a day and call her pet names – no. Why did you do that to me? I do not know, I did not realize it was so bad. Why did you hide it so much then? I realized it might hurt you… But why did you do it then? I cannot explain, but we were not romantically involved in any way – it was just talking. Would you be hurt if I was obsessed with another woman, was waiting for her call, not yours, was anticipating seeing her instead of you etc? Yes, very much. Then why did you do that to me??!! I’m sorry, I was so stupid I cannot believe it… Neither can it…

We talked for hours, mostly me… I am pretty sure it did not get physical or even romantic – she was just using him as entertainment, and he only managed to bite a chunk of her time and probably most of her attention…

Initially I thought about leaving her. I even offered her to take all my savings (7 figures) and divorce me – she said she wanted me, not money or anyone else. She was really apologetic and said that she realized her mistakes (there was a whole string of those) and that she would work to gain my trust back, but now I am not sure if she really means that or just says that to calm me down. Now I have no idea what to do – stay with her or not. We were really happy together and I love her, but I am really hurt. I mean, if I did not care for her so much and thought that she feels the same, I would probably be ok – she just used some guy as a toy while I was busy with a new job, and pretty much used her looks to get herself and me as well a free personal trainer. But taking into account how much I loved and trusted her (enough to let her be in the same team with a guy who made a bet he would make her cheat on me), her lying and hiding, displacing me and family with another person etc is a betrayal. It really hurts to realize that the person you trusted the most lied, and you were second in line for someone who is center of your universe… And I do not see how I can trust her that much again, and I do not want to settle for anything less…

Her last words this morning were – probably I needed this to realize how much I need you and how much I do not want to lose you. I really want to believe that she did not realize what she was doing, and now she got so much smarter and will never do this again, but can I?

Comments? Suggestions? I do not expect anyone to give me the “right answer” and will not hold anyone responsible if I decide to follow the advice… But I am really clueless in this situation – I never thought this could happen to me…

[lvwirelessguy]

It can happen to anyone unfortunately, and even though you are pretty sure she wasnt physical with this guy. She DID cheat on you

I hope you are able to get back to where you once were

[Crimson92]

Hmmm. How old are you? How old were you when you guys got married?

Seems to me that shes bored, sorry but it does seem that way. Probably not what you want to hear. And she doesn't want to divorce you because she doesnt want to lose security, or at least until the 10 year mark.

But then again maybe not. Maybe she wants a friend outside of you. Or maybe she just confused, its all really hard to tell. I wont be like the other guys who will tell you to leave her.

But keep in mind if you two were young when you got married, it probably will end badly.

And yes...any type of cheating...is cheating

[nmulax]

So does she work with this guy; or is this through some sort of social-club you both belong to?

I agree with Crimson; sounds like she could be bored.
Just playing the devil's advocate, but once she joined you in the new town, had you changed as well. Did you do the same little things for her as you used to? I know she stopped doing the little things; but it's a two-way street.
Not saying you caused this; but for whatever reason, she may have felt you weren't interested in her, or the spark was gone. Enter a new guy who lavishes her with the attention she was missing while you were gone.

I only say this because I've been there on the other side. Dated a woman who was in a comfortable marriage; but her husband paid no attention to her.

Honestly, there is no right answer. Take it one day at a time and do what feels right to you.
Sorry to hear you had to go through all this.

[MoreCowbell]

I'd start checking her clothing with a black light...that's what i'd do!!!

[MoreCowbell]

Originally Posted by Varise

I trust her when she goes out to the clubs with her friends, I trust her in Vegas at "The Thunder from Down Under" male dance show that she was attending for a bachelorette party. Sure, after the show three of the male dancers kept asking her to stay for a "half hour," but I trust her completely

Ummm...You might want to borrow the OP's blacklight when he's done with it, ok???

Thanks everybody - I was not expecting anyone to read the three pages I wrote...

Yes, we married young, but both had fair share of relationships before. I think she got bored, but why? It's not that I'm neglecting her - yes, I am the same guy I was years ago and she now knows all about me. But I guess it is true for all couples. I am not a clown, and that is a part of why she married me in the first place.

Anyway, responding to the PMs - no she did not give any reason to the guy who bet on her - he's just crazy, and it's not the same guy who "the guy". And, no, they did not have a phone call at the same time etc - they only met in the gym once a week.

What surprized me was that she did not blame me for anything - she did say I was busy and paid little less attention to her, but she did not imply it was the cause of justification. I mean I thought I screwed up and she was going to tell me how I suck as a husband and how she is bored and such, but she said that she just had no idea what happened. She said - I had unexplainable desire to talk to this guy. She said she had the same short-term obsession with several guys and girls she met before, and I do know about one case - she spent hours on the phone with my best friend who was having hard time in his personal life. But that time no one was hiding anything - he needed someone to be nice to him, and she needed someone to talk to while I was finishing my degree. It was innocent and I was even glad they bonded.

What I am looking for now is a way to find out if we can fix it or if its only going to repeat again and get worse... Maybe some clues or questions to ask? I am probably ready to forgive this time - I know it's cheating, but he obviously did not mean much to her. She said she would not care if she never sees him again, and did not even blink when I was calling him names. She could not beleive when I told her he would be boasting about it to everyone the three of us know, if he is not yet, although it is pretty obvious - I'm sure she's the hottest girl that ever got any interest in him and on top of that she's married to a good looking rich (by his standards) guy, so maybe she does like him...

I do not want to leave her, really, and if I think about all that from the other side, I did very similar things with her, it just so happened that all my "attention steelers" were guys and it never lasted longer than two weeks. The only thing that I would never do to her is to keep anything secret. I guess I am that rare perfect husband (in this respect at least), but there is no single thing about me that I would be ashamed if she found out. This part really gets me and I cannot forgive it. And the other question is if it's going to happen again...

Anyway, this is by far the worst thing that happened in my life - beats almost losing a father and having my reputation ruined by a black PR campaign...

[Crimson92]

To the OP.

If you two were married young I am almost sure she is getting bored. In a way it is not your fault and in a way it is

When people get married, say pre 27 years old. They both havent had enough time to play the field, have fun, party, get drunk, do stupid stuff.

And since they missed that they are going to try to make up for it later during their marriage. I cant blame her, but at the same she should be straight with you. If she tells you she desires to give attention to other people on occasion, that means she ready to fool around. If the other guy is calling her pet names, I mean its kind of a dead giveaway. I dont need to tell you that.

Hate to say it but I would cut your losses and divorce but it gets worse.

[Neil]

She's compensating for something lacking in your relationship. If she had everything in your relationship she wanted she wouldn't look elsewhere. There has to be a reason she did it.

Second you are going to always think about this, it will always be in the back of your mind in the future. As the saying goes, it's easy to forgive, hard to forget.

[GreddyBoy858]

I was in the same spot as you once.. Not married, but I was with the girl for over 4 years... She met some dude at Starbucks, and swore she never did anything.. but an "unknown" number would call her cell late at night and I knew her voicemail password so I would check it once she fell asleep. I finally confronted her and she said nothing happened and that she just wanted to see if she was still wanted by other guys... I broke up with her that night.. I dont care how you look at it, it is still cheating. Just my 2 cents..

[derek0480]

It's a tough situation you are in...but coming from a person who has been married for just over 2 years. It's cheating. Blatently cheating.

If you do not decide to end it then the best advice I can give you is to begin slowly hiding your money into accounts untouchable by divorce. (Yes there are lots of them out there.)

You can thank me later when her greedy lawyer only gets her 1/2 of what you didn't hide...not 1/2 of what you are worth.

Either way good luck man.

[Crimson92]

^+1 Good idea

[bartman32]

Sorry man...
It's very hard to tell without knowing the parties. I do like that you really kept to what happened more than emotions.

First a question. You said that she stopped doing the little things like looking for furniture etc. Did you ever ask her about that or even suggest doing it? Are the two of you waiting for the other to do the first nice thing? Perhaps she feels that moving was a big sacrifice and therefore is waiting for you to do something nice first?

Second thing - yes it sounds like she's spending a lot of time with her "friend". Do you know how much time she spent with friends before the move? Even if it was with females is she perhaps using this friend as a substitute for the friends that she doesn't have now? Has she moved in the past? It can be VERY hard for some people to make friends and perhaps she found one and is spending all of her friend time with one or two rather than with her circle that she had at home.

It sounds to me that if you want to stay with her that you need to get in the driver's seat and do the things that you want and have the relationship that you want with her rather than wait for her to give it to you. Shape your own life!

Sorry I can't really comment on what to do as far as leaving her or not that's a VERY personal decision and I don't know just how hurt you are. But it sounds mendable to me if you both want it.

Ok, I realise I am grabbing straws here, but how about these explanations:

1. Spending too much time with the guy - needed a friend in the new city, found just one who was ok, so concentrated on him, got a bit too "engaged"
2. Deleting emails - she started doing it before the guy, as she was discussing me with her girlfriend (that's true - she complained about me and I later found out). Kept deleting these guy's emails because he called her pet names and she did not want me to see that and tell her to stop talking with him.
3. Her argument was what would my reaction would be if he was a girl - honestly, I would not care in that case. Her point is that she really did not see him as a man. In fact, I did see one email where she told him that he should not be so lonely and should just go out to a bar and get a girl - not something you tell a lover, even potential.

It seems reaonable to me - or is it just wishful thinking on my part?

[GreddyBoy858]

^^ It's still cheating man.. ^^

[toofasttooslow]

Friendly bit of advice. Set your expectations low for your marriage to work out. She will probably go further the next time. It takes two people to make things work and if they're both totally not committed then it won't work. She may say that she is committed and probably genuinely mean it, but in her heart she doesn't believe it. It's not a matter of if she wanders, but when. And for God's sake, if things don't work out don't give her a red cent unless the court orders you do to. You need to be logical about that man and not let your emotions rob you of your hard earned money. You WILL regret that.

[Neurorad]

It's up to you to decide if you want to keep trying to make it work. Is it worth it? Is she worth it?

Put off having kids for 3 years. Once you have kids, you're stuck making it work.

N.B., she may read this, especially if you're one who replied above.

[fobunited]

The attention that the other guy is giving her is probably the same kind of attention that you gave to your wife at the beginning of your relationship, and something that she is craving for and needs now.

I would believe that she loves you and respects your space and your friends. It is uncomforting for someone in her position to "ask" you for words of affirmation and encouragement. She wants to be told by YOU that she's gorgeous, lovely, the best wife any man can ask for, etc. She needs to hear those things, but didn't hear them from you. Unfortunately, some other guy whispered those things into her ear. She wants to hear them from you, trust me. I'm sure she felt extremely guilty and knew it was bad news talking to the other guy, but women need to hear those things.

I empathize with what both of you are going through. I understand your feeling of betrayal, but I also understand where she is coming from. My suggestion is to sweep her off her feet, and be the man you wanted her to marry. Sometimes in our marriages, we feel that we've earned certain things and can expect certain things. Marriages are never about who's right or wrong, or who should be or shouldn't be doing something.

You're her husband; it doesn't matter if you feel betrayed, hurt, or if you have a "right" to leave her. Love her, forgive her, and fulfill your marriage oath. Start calling HER in the morning instead of expecting her call. Call HER during your lunch and tell her that you were thinking about her all day instead of expecting her to do so. Do things for her that you're expecting her to do for you, and it will come around.

The key to a happy marriage is to put the other person before you, and even though you may feel justified or in the right, revenge and pride will ruin any marriage.

Best of luck. I hope you aren't offended... I don't mean to be... it's a harsh and bitter truth, but I believe a truth that must be told.

[561design]

I agree with some people on here. It is cheating. The most damaging as a matter of fact. She was creating an emotional bond with another male that wasn't her husband. I've been married for 5 years to my wife. We've known each other for a total of 7 years. What has occured to you is flat out wrong and she knew that because she was hiding it from you.

I suggest you do not have a kid with her. Put your money away and when it's secure and only at that time, file for divorce. She's not concerned about the money because if she manages to keep you. She'll always have money. More so if you have a child with her.

It may be hard for you now to face the facts and leave her. But it will be more difficult in the future. Be smart and think this one through logically. I believe you already know what you have to do.

[Crimson92]

The fact that you ask people on a public forum is proof that you are insecure of you relationship.

The problem is that neither one of us is qualified to make a decision for you. But everyone of us has told you that this IS cheating. And while it MAY be small it is still cheating. And once you cheat you never stop.

My best advice is to be careful, first of all secure YOUR interests. Don't be taken advantage of. Whether you divorce her or forgive her its your choice, just make sure to protect yourself.

Bartman32 - thanks for giving me hope. Yes, I did remind her about looking for furniture and stuff - we went shopping once, bought whole about half of what we needed and agreed that she would look up the rest online and we would pick that up. She spent couple of days arranging what we bought, but never got to the rest, althoguh I did remind her couple of times.

Regarding her spending time with friends - yes, she spent tons of time with them before. She was a semi-pro dancer (and a pro before that) and she had over a dozen of female friends - she went out with them, with or without me, 5-6 days a week. But they were all girls and I knew them and their boyfriends/husbands... She also met many people at school (PhD, not grade school :-)). She used to be showered with guy attention as well, but she actually bragged to me about it, never tried to hide it, and she never singled out any specific guy. My "justification", which I made up for myself but do not entirely beleive (yet) is that now she lost all that and instead of a 15+ girlfriends and attention of 5+ guys at school, she gets attention from only one person. Even hiding emails can be explained by that - she did not want me to shun the guy as she would be stuck alone when I'm busy. The only thing that does not fit is diminished attention. It was not dramatic, but noticeable and there was not fight or other reason to explain that. Maybe this is a different symptom related to me being more at work and this new place being only temporary?

She says now that she stopped to think about it she hates herself for waht she did. She told the guy never to contact her again (at least she says that - now I always have to have this disclaimer in my head). It seems that she is ready to do anything to make me stay and try and fix it (even sign a mariage contract - maybe a good time just in case), but again, I cannot be sure if its sincere or it just that she needs her security (in reality she does not - even if we get divorced and she gets nothing, she has a PhD and stunning looks and a ton of guys wating for her - but it still may be in her head).

I thnk I'll try real counceling - here goes my big ski vacation budget :-) (it is funny how all "big things" lose importance when something like this happens)

[phantom330]

I can guarantee that there was something physical there. You don't talk to somebody that much and call them pet names if something isn't going on. She just figured you didn't bust her in the act, so she's not going to fess up about it. I'd confront the guy as well. I really feel for you though, I'm not sure what I would do if I was in the same situation. If there is no concrete evidence she cheated (physically) I would give her a second chance, but if there was another situation in the future I would end it as she isn't chaning if that is the case. My bet is she was physical with him, again there is no way two people talk that much and nothing happened, especially if you're out of town a lot. Good luck with everything, hope it works out how you'd like.