[xxballinboi786]

So in the last year, i have raised $5000 for my school, and within the coming months, my intentions are to add $2000 to that. Those $7000 will go towards funding my Junior Prom (which would bring the price down for my classmates). Now, in collaboration with the English and Arts Department at my school, my class would like to organize a play. This would be quite expensive, considering the fact that we have to pay for the rights, the royalties, the costumes, the sets, among other things. I have decided to turn to my cities residents, as well as business owners to help us raise some of this money. I'm not sure whether this is going to work or not, but I believe it is worth a shot. I have written a rough draft letter, and would appreciate it if some of you guys could proofread it and tell me what you would add, change, or remove. Thanks a lot for your time!



To whom it may concern,

My name is Fareed Zahid, and I am sending this letter to you on behalf of all the students at Yonkers High School. As you may know, the Yonkers Public School District is not the most well funded, so we turn to our fellow Yonkers residents in our time of need. First, I would like to tell you a bit about Yonkers High School, which offers the IB program. IB is known for its rigorous academic program, which is recognized by many universities. The students who graduate from Yonkers High School are going to be the future leaders of Yonkers, and would greatly appreciate your help in raising money for our school. Since most of the schools resources are utilized on academics, we do not have much left over for Creative Arts, as well as our Prom. We have two goals which we would like to achieve, the first being raising enough money for our Junior Prom. Secondly, we would like to have a school play to amplify our knowledge of the Performing Arts. Please be as generous as possible in your donation, and keep in mind that your contribution is for a good cause. For more information about donating, please contact me at Fareed.Zahid@yonkers.ypschools.org. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Fareed J. Zahid

[Couch]

Here are links to letter templates:
Business:
http://www.writinghelp-central.com/s...-business.html

Personal:
http://www.writinghelp-central.com/s...-personal.html

Having taken my fair share or business and letter writing classes I think I can help a bit.

You need to break down your letter into several paragraphs. There needs to be a topic sentence. Just one sentence generalizing what the letter is about. Then begin a new paragraph.

Using your letter as an example, something like this:

To whom it may concern,
*double space between above and first line.*

My name is Fareed Zahid, and I am sending this letter to you on behalf of all the students at Yonkers High School.

As you may know, the Yonkers Public School District is not the most well funded, so we turn to our fellow Yonkers residents in our time of need. First, I would like to tell you a bit about Yonkers High School, which offers the IB program.

IB is known for its rigorous academic program, which is recognized by many universities. The students who graduate from Yonkers High School are going to be the future leaders of Yonkers, and would greatly appreciate your help in raising money for our school.

Since most of the schools resources are utilized on academics, we do not have much left over for Creative Arts, as well as our Prom. We have two goals which we would like to achieve, the first being raising enough money for our Junior Prom.

Secondly, we would like to have a school play to amplify our knowledge of the Performing Arts. Please be as generous as possible in your donation, and keep in mind that your contribution is for a good cause. For more information about donating, please contact me at Fareed.Zahid@yonkers.ypschools.org.

Thank you for your time.




Sincerely,

Fareed J. Zahid"

That's just a rough example. I wish I could go to my dads office and dig through my old letter from school, it would make this easier. Trying to recall rules and techniques from classes I took back in '03 and '04 is a bit difficult.

One thing you do need to do is rephrase all of your more negative comments into positive ones. It's conveys a positive emotion for those reading and possibly making it easier for them to dig into their pocketbooks. For example, take out the statement of "is not well funded". They may or may not know this, either way it doesn't sound good when reading.

Use the links I've provided and do additional research in writing this letter. You're definitely on the right track, and you're writing style reminds me a lot of my own when I was a junior in HS. Once you head to college and learn the real ways of writing, you'll be cleaning your desk out and reread papers you did good on in high school, and think that it didn't deserve that A or B. ha!

Hopefully this at least put you on the right track. One last suggestion is to write several letters in different formats and see which one works the most. Also get some input from your English teachers in school. They should be glad to help you out.

Good luck man!

[Neurorad]

1. Define IB in the letter.

2. "make checks payable to ..., and mail them to..."

3. Include a contact phone number

4. Keep in mind it's not an 'official' charity, so people can't deduct dontations from their taxes (legally).

5. Get rid of 'To whom it may concern' and send each person a letter with their name on it.

[Couch]

Originally Posted by Neurorad

1. Define IB in the letter.

2. "make checks payable to ..., and mail them to..."

3. Include a contact phone number

4. Keep in mind it's not an 'official' charity, so people can't deduct dontations from their taxes (legally).

5. Get rid of 'To whom it may concern' and send each person a letter with their name on it.

Glad you mentioned what you did. Completely forgot about some of that. It may be hard for him to include each individual name, but that would be more professional.