Thread: Vday rant
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      02-13-2013, 05:00 PM   #24
shah269
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It’s the night before V day and all thorough out the world men are looking at each other in fear of the coming sunrise!
In just a short few hours all “lucky” men who happen to be in relationships be it real, imagined or just with benefits will be judged on the treasures they bestow upon the feet of their “lucky lady” or “ladies” of “other” if they are lucky enough to survive. As such it is tonight that things will get strange and unusual on an order not seen since Black Thursday.....Black Friday was pushed forward one day in an war on Halloween.

Men of all ages and shapes and incomes will venture to the mall and slowly with great hesitation walk into exotic stores with exotic names smelling of exotic things…stores where no man should ever be allowed to venture alone or at least unescorted. Stores which contain Victorians secrets and deceptive notions of baths and bodies being worked or of northern candles made of fruits not fit for man nor beast and of unusual German ladies who like chocolate dipped strawberries while riding around in the buff on backs of horses.

Men will walk into stores and be greeted by overly perky and happy sales staff asking such annoying questions as “Is there anything in particular you are looking for” or “How may I help you today” to which most men just smile and look at the sealing as if they are looking for god or are suffering from a mild stroke. Because if they knew “what they were looking for” don’t you think little missy they would have like a good man gone on line and bought it? But alas the look of confusion and drewelle running down the side of their mouths leads to the question asked by the overly perky well dressed good smelling sales associate of “size” as in “what size is your wife, girlfriend or other”. And that’s where things get freaky!

Size? Women come in sizes? As all living men will tell you there are three things you will never ask a woman and it all has to do with “size” 1) What size are your years? 2) What size is your dress and 3) What size of diamond would you like on that ring? This paradox of questioning will lead men to make odd shapes and gestures with their hands as if they are trying to squeeze oversized grapefruit or honking bicycle horns or just holding odd shapes in the air and giggling.

$500 later then men leave holding little bags with fluffy stuff hanging out the top and pink ribbon handles that would not even be big enough to hold you standard 3/8th socket set from that many store of store SEARS! On the way home, confused and scared men quickly realize that they need to buy flowers and quickly ignore the rules of the road make a 6 lain change across two interstates and slide sideways into the parking lot of the only florist that is still open.

Only to discover that roses are in fact made of platinum and any other flower is made of diamonds and gold…..or at least that’s what the prices will tell you….after all who knew 12 roses that only cost $15.50 now will set you back $155 for only 6 and there is an extra service charge for wrapping them up.

Broke, exhausted, confused and slightly worried about their lives the men make it home and hide all of these things in the closet where the cat spends the evening snacking the overprices flowers and sleeping inside the little pink bag.
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