Thread: Vday rant
View Single Post
      02-14-2013, 09:43 AM   #34
shah269
Major
United_States
315
Rep
1,035
Posts

Drives: 2009
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ

iTrader: (0)

So it’s valentine’s day ladies and you can cut the tension with a knife.
Right away at 8am there are three kinds of women in this world.
One woke up to breakfast in bed and roses while Michel Bolton / Kenny G or Bieber sang to her while she attempted to balancer her well balanced breakfast on her lap without spilling any on the overpriced duvet cover. The other woke up to the sound of the alarm clock and her husband/boyfriend/other walking around like a zombie on his way to the shower. And the third woke up in a bed filled with cats crying and hugging each and every single one saying “You will never leave me will you Mr. Mittens!”

And things only got worse at the start of the day. The woman who was sang to skipped the elevator, ran up 15 flights of stairs did a double back flip and a half twist and made a perfect landing into her cube to win the gold. The woman whose husband/boyfriend/partner forgot what day it was had to park in the back of the parking lot walk through slush and ice and almost got hit by a buss only to have her hair all messed up by the wind and grabbed her coffee and sat down at her desk. The third woman with the cats unable to find a parking spot had to park in the other lot and was harassed by some angry chipmunks on her mile long uphill trek to the office. But it’s ok because at least she got some attention from someone who doesn’t use a litter box.

Things went from bad to worse, while woman one still high from the French toast spun around in her chair singing silly love songs that can only be sung by an effeminate Bieber the woman who was ignored started making of list of things she would do to her partner as volleys of flowers and chocolates landed around her to screams and giggles of “OMG it’s so big! And so round! And how am I going to fit this into my little box! I finally feel like a true princess!” and Miss Kitty…pondered the meaning of the word “paper clip”.

By lunch the office looked and smelled like a pink and red rainforest after a midsummer rain of chocolate. But Ms. Sung to by Biebe did not care..she was prancing around on tip toe like some ferry high on Prozac! Miss Kitty on the other hand was wondering if she could maybe hide under her desk and live off of posted notes and granola bars…that oddly look the same and probably taste the same. And Miss “my man is going to die!” was grinding her teeth and stomping her feet to and from the coffee giving all of her so called friends dirty looks and cursing them under her breath! How dare they…don’t they know roses are bad for the environment and those are not biodegradable teddy bears!

5 pm comes around and Ms. Bieber of love suddenly stops spinning in her chair, a look of fear and dread has come to her face….OMG…he was so nice this morning…what did he do wrong! Or what is he planning on doing wrong? Or what does he want to do wrong? She packs up her stuff, flies down the stairs and like a professional race driver jumps face first into her car and nearly puts 4 old ladies in the bushes as she takes her minivan sideways out of the parking lot. Ms….oh look how happy everyone is…can’t take it any more…stand on top of her desk and shouts…YOU ALL SUCK!....and stomps her way down the stairs cursing her partner on each step. Upon reaching her in the back of the parking lot she sees inside the back seat was a modest bouquet of flowers and a little box of chocolates. She looks at it and there is a simple hand written note stating “I love you and I know you are so busy at work and didn’t want to bother you with a delivery”…..she passes out and wakes up a half an hour later to making slush angels….

Little Ms Kitty left the dancing singing of her office, just missed getting hit by Ms. Bieber as she made her way out of the parking lot and almost called 911 when she saw little Ms. Slush angel giggling and rolling around in the slush holding her little bear….walked past the harassing chipmunks and got into her car and drove to the local pet shop to pick up another 100lbs of cat litter. It was there that she bumped into the drummer from the band Cold Play who also happens to be a cat lover and was picking up 100lbs of cat food for the local shelter while on a world tour….they hit it off and now live happily in Africa on their own nature preserve and rehabilitate angry wild cats who were traumatized by one too many English documentary film makers.
Appreciate 0