[carve]

Hey guys. I'll be 37 in a couple months, and my girlfriend just turned 32...and it's kind of freaking me out. We're at the age where we have to decide if kids are in the future pretty soon. The thing is, neither of us have a real burning desire to have them, but it's something we still consider. Is that weird? To the people who want or have kids...why did you want them? How would your life be different if you didn't have them?

She has an older brother who is crazy, and sees the emotional and financial burden he continues to put on her parents. I wound up with a brother at age 14 1/2 and saw how much work kids are when I was in high school.

Babies: babies exact a huge toll on the woman's body and changes what initially attracted you to her (unless you're Mrs. Litos, apparently). You also, from that point on, are no longer the most important person in each others lives- there's a higher priority, which seems damaging to the relationship to me. If the relationship does go south, that person will still be a part of your life, at least until the kid is grown up. Everyone on both sides of my family divorced the person they had kids with, except my mom and step dad who have an unhealthy relationship, and I'd hate to put a child through that. You can no longer partake in activities together without lots of advanced planning and added expense This could be as simple as a hike or complex as a last second weekend getaway, which is most weekends for us. We go mountain biking together several times a week...that would pretty much end- if we got to do it at all, it'd be separately. You probably both have less time to take care of yourself so become less healthy and less attractive. You must consider the child first when doing anything risky (e.g. skiing, motorcycle, sports car, etc). They prevent ever becoming fully rested, and I'm grumpy and negative with insufficient sleep, which would further damage relationships. They emit foul substances from every orifice (diaper changing alone is a major factor for me) and destroy your house. They're expensive again- you must lower your standard of living, consider them first when making risky decisions like a career change, and have to work many more years before you can afford to retire.

Ages 6-12 looks kind of fun...they can do things with you, it's probably the least expensive phase, they take care of the basics for themselves (eating, bathing, sleeping, etc.), and you get to really introduce them to the world, which seems kind of fun. Then they become a teenager. They rebel, think they know it all, get into trouble if their boys or become emotional wrecks if they're girls...often wind up resenting you, and become horrendously expensive again. Then they go to college and you're a human wallet for four years. Then they're grown up, move away, and you might see them a couple times a year. It can be fun, or feel like an obligation depending on how good a job you did raising them. Hopefully they become a friend at that point and you've left some kind of legacy, or at least did your biological function of reproducing.

I used to have a Golden Retriever. I really loved that dog, but am dogless now for just a few of the reasons above- tied down, expense, mess, sadness when he got sick, etc. A kid would be an order of magnitude bigger commitment.

This doesn't even touch on stuff out of your control, such as winding up with a kid who has a severe disability, or becomes an addict, or just a disagreeable person. Parents are also statistically less happy than non-parents who are otherwise similar. Most of my friends with kids look frazzled, tired, and stressed out, and their houses are littered with kid-stuff...and that's in the unlikely event I even see them. They tend to disappear after kids. In fact, I noticed that between the mid 20's and late 50's...your prime years, the biggest difference between people isn't whether or not they're married or how old they are, but whether they have kids. People think I'm much younger than I am, and I think it's mostly due to the free-spiritedness you lose with kids...I still have that...hell...I took a year off a few years back just to travel around the world! I went to volatile Egypt last year and planned the trip a few days before I left. Parents who are younger than me tend to be very serious and dour...almost a trapped visage. They have to bring home the bacon...usually in a minivan.

Logically adding all that up it just kids just don't seem to make sense. Given all this, why do most people want to have kids? I suppose if I made a ton of money and could afford a nanny and stuff it would solve most of these problems, but I'm not there. I don't want to regret not having them, but I think it'd be even worse to have them and regret it. What am I missing here, guys? What were your expectations before kids, and how does that compare with the reality?