Quote:
Originally Posted by Joekerr
I think you raise a very good question, and one you've evidently thought about a fair bit - how do others handle opposing opinions on certain matters?
To be honest, it depends on the what the opinion is about. If its little stuff, then we can quibble a little, ultimately, its usually a compromise or one of us decides its not too important and the other opinion is conceded to.
But when it comes to the big stuff, its stuff we talked about and already agree about before we got married. IMO, there are probably four "pillars" that I would suggest both need to be aligned to, because if you are not, then I think it will drive you apart.
These are: Money (spender / saver), Religion, Kids (how many, do each agree on the type of discipline that will be used, etc), and Politics.
My wife and I discussed all four - for me, politics is completely unimportant to me, and its only moderate to her, but we do share a similar view anyways, and for the remainder, we are exactly alike and agree with each other.
And I think its these bigger things that you're really asking about - the little stuff doesn't really matter at the end of the day. I would seriously encourage you to push the matter such that before you decide on anything (ie. proposal), that you definitely agree on all four areas.
I'd still be a little concerned about a couple that disagrees on an area, but agrees how to resolve such differences in the future - that MAY work, but I really feel that both parties will (when the situation arises) not realize what they really agreed to do to resolve the situation and will ultimately want their way, or at least more of their way then what they originally decided to do to resolve the disagreement.
Best of luck either way - I mean that to everyone going through that situation.
But marriage is different from a healthy long term relationship. But I think in order to really understand that, you actually need to be in a healthy marriage (to the right woman).
I would argue this is somewhat similar to having children (I don't have any). Currently, I don't understand how a mother or father can feel such deep love for their kid once they have the baby (I just don't love babies). But I talk to everyone who has had children and they say its an amazing experience and something just changes in them (and I do see a change). So I recognize that while I don't understand it, I believe that it will likely happen when I have my own.
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Those four points are huge, I can attest to that. Politics are not high on either of our priority lists, but I actually follow what is going on in our country, she just hears about it from others. Children, we can agree on a number, but when it comes to raising, I can see this to be a big problem. Financials, she would be living off me while she goes to school full time, she is afraid of this, but I am financially responsible and have handled my own since I was a lad. Religion, she is kind of a believer, and I am most definitely a believer. I am not a church goer, but I believe in the word and allowing it to play a role in life to give some structure on how someone should present themselves.
The bold comment is pretty significant. We disagree on quite a bit, or she might see/hear something from me she doesn't agree with. We will argue and bicker for a couple hours, then finally say this is dumb, and agree to "change in the future", but once something comes up, we both go right back to where we started. It is very toxic, because her attitude when something bothers her, is getting hyped up and basically down talking, so I in turn, will deal it back. I am no ones bitch, so I don't take kindly when she gets an attitude. For example, last night, she wanted to skype at 9. I was sitting around waiting, never heard from her (typically she will say "im ready"), so I sent her a message and said "I am ready when you are" at 9:10.
She then turned it around into some huge deal that I don't listen, she said 9 for a reason, she shouldn't have to hold my hand and tell me what to do or how to handle a relationship and blew it all out of proportion. (This is one of those cases that shouldn't have been an issue to begin with).
Marriage is completely different, and I am trying to keep my blessings that she has much to learn, as do I, but it has gotten to a point where the whole marriage idea, for me, has gone right out the door.