[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by NEFARIOUS

This is my first (and hopefully only) time having stomach flu, but I worked for a nazi of a boss who was dumber than a stick, and she was only manager because of seniority. I was up puking every 3 hours, but she still demanded I come in since "there was a lot of important things I had to do" and that day was her and I only at the store.

So I also had another first: Falling down the stairs and even scratching/bruising my head, adding to a massive bout of dizziness and headache. So I was very thirsty and hungry, but not knowing that the idea of stomach flu is that you don't retain a damned thing. So I get some Gatorade and a sandwich from 7-Eleven, then I pull over 5 minutes later into a random Shakey's Pizza and barfed everything up before I can even reach the toilet, so awkward part #1 was trying to leave the place with a straight face.

So I finally stumble into work like a zombie, but no good morning, no how you feeling, she just lectures me on trying to put on an act and barks out the first order of business. WHAT. THE. FUCK. For 3 times in a row, I thought I had to take a dump, but was only huge farts when I reach the toilet. So for the 4th time I figured it was just that and proceeded to walk 5 feet from where I was outside to let 'er rip vs. 200ft down the hall to the restroom. This time it was no joke. I was wearing shorts and boxers so my shart was even on the floor. NOW the bitch is FINALLY convinced after she happened to come out and FINALLY starts apologizing profusely and lets me take the day off. Awkward moment #2.

So, I had to stumble back to the restroom, and there was no replacement clothes. I stuffed my clothes in a garbage bag and surrounded my "situation" with a garbage bag. She was like "uhh... I'm not letting you out like that" and tells me to go back to the bathroom and wait. I thought "oh cool, she's either going to go to Ross in the same plaza and buy me pants or happens to have a set of sweat pants." NOPE. She comes back with a floral skirt. A FRICKIN' SKIRT, REALLY?!?!? "This was the only thing I can find in the car..." so I sit there and argue the logic and embarrassment and how I'd rather be caught dead with my trash bag contraption than being a guy and wearing a floral skirt, she starts saying beggars can't be choosers and since it looks worse to wear a trash bag, if I'll be fired if I don't... I had her a $20 to go down to Ross, but she doesn't want to. I eventually fell on a solution of calling my friend to bring a set of pants and wait in the bathroom for almost an hour, but it would've been awkward as I parked on the other side of the plaza, including walking past an army recruit office looking like some genderqueer hipster.

OMFG. I died